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THE VAGINA RULES (guest post)

October 17, 2011

I’m thrilled to present the hilariously talented writer Erica Lucke Dean. Here’s her bio: 

I write romantic comedy, paranormal, and suspense novels. I blog about life and other assorted ridiculous things. And I laugh at myself when I trip.

I now present her terrifically funny post. This chick and I understand each other so well. 

The Vagina Rules

I was chatting with a friend the other day.   

We were basically having a group venting session, dredging up everything that irritates us about life, and people in general.  It felt really good to give the proverbial “stab” to the things we find annoying.  And when talking about the stuff that bugs us, the conversation always manages to come around to the topic of men…specifically husbands.

So this is how it went…Fake people? Stab.  Snobby people?  Stab.  Husbands?  Stab, stab, stab!!!

Living with a man is often enough to make a girl dream of a deserted island, a bottle of chardonnay, and a dirty romance novel.  And “honey” can stay at home, thank you very much!

My friend finally summed it up by saying, “When it comes to men…honestly, I only like the sex. But I could get that without having to live with them.”

Food for thought, for sure. 

But I had to disagree.  I like having a guy.  I just wish I didn’t have to deal with his shit.

For example…My husband has this really annoying habit of refusing to talk to me just because I don’t understand what he’s trying to say.  I can’t seem to drill it into his head that he needs to explain things.  I mean, really explain things.  I was like…dude, I’m a woman.  We need more words.  Lots of words.  Full sentences if you can manage it.  Hell, if you have time, draw a map.  

The more information the better. 

Did hubby get the point?  Of course not.  Instead, he gave me the cold shoulder for the rest of the evening.  

And he wonders why I get pissed off. 

What is it about guys? 

They say they love women.  They claim to want a woman in their lives.  But they refuse to understand the inner workings of a woman. 

So what’s a girl to do?

I just gave it to him straight.  “If you want a vagina…you have to play by the vagina’s rules.” 

And ladies, let’s face it…the vagina has a whole lot of rules. 

This vagina likes to be talked to.  And listened to.  I don’t mean gaping at me with a dazed expression and the faint sound of crickets chirping in the background.  No, I want real listening.  The kind that might even include appropriate responses from time to time.  I know you’re pretending to listen.  You know you’re pretending to listen.  Let’s just stop pretending and actually talk. 

It’s called a “conversation” guys.  I know…big word.  Look it up.

The vagina also likes attention.  But I don’t mean JUST the vagina.  You guys seem to think there’s only part of a woman that needs attention.  Trust me…that’s as far from the truth as you can get.  I know it’s a foreign concept.  I know the penis is the control center of the man.   

But like I said before…if you want a vagina you’d better figure out how it works. 

Think of the vagina as a sink.  It’s a broad generalization, but stay with me here.  If you want to fill a sink with water, no amount of touching the sink is going to get the job done.  You have to turn on the faucet.  The faucet is the control center. 

Are you still with me?

Find the control center in the woman.  Start with the conversation (that’s the talking part, remember?); from there, you can find your way to the other stuff. 

Basically, a vagina is a complex organism controlled by an even more complex organism…a woman. But trust me, if you take the time to figure it out, your life (and ours) will be a whole lot easier. 

So I’m sure you’re wondering how my husband responded to my list of rules.  The same way he responds to everything…in as few words as possible.  Hey, it’s all good.  For as little as he said, I’m pretty sure he got the point.  

A vagina has a whole lot of rules, but what it all comes down to is this…

Vaginas rule!

Comments welcome, retweets and mentions loved. 

You should follow Erica on her blog here, Twitter and Facebook. Somehow she blogs every day and still has a family and like, three books in submission with agents. I think she’s part Borg. 

Be sure to join me back here on Saturday, 10/22 for Blog Tour de Force to win your free copy of THE EVIL WITHIN horror anthology as well as all twelve participating authors’ books AND a chance at a free Kindle. Yea, baby. 
  1. Erica Lucke Dean permalink

    Thank you, Rachel…for letting me come hang out over here and say words like “shit” and “vagina” without getting my mouth washed out with soap. 

    It was great fun!

  2. I'm taking note of this just to make sure that I don't screw up when I eventually get married.

  3. Good God Rachel, you bring in an assassin, turn her loose and watch the male carnage from the sidelines. Thank you for the awesome post Erika. -Steve

  4. Kelly Gamble permalink

    Are these rules written anywhere? Never mind, if it doesn't involve a point spread, I'm sure hubby wouldn't understand it.

  5. Awesome, Erica!

  6. Are you kidding? You're great. Not many people can keep up with me — yea, that's a challenge — but you're a star, girl. When you told me your idea for the post, I said 'run with it.' 

    You rock, baby. I can't believe you blog every day AND still get your writing done. There's no way you sleep. I want to be you. 

  7. I know, isn't it great? I'm in the home stretch of getting my next book out so having someone as amazing as Erica is fabulous. She knows my snarky female heart. 

  8. There was a young woman from China….

    I'll stop there 😉

  9. Kelly, was that an intentional double entendre? Either way, great comment. Made me laugh! 

  10. thx for visiting Christi. xo

  11. Eve Greene permalink

    That was hilarious! Thank you Rachel for making me discover Erika. (Two new blog to explore today? Awesome!)

  12. Kelly Gamble permalink

    Always intentional. I'm working on my snarky football themed bit as we speak. lol

  13. Erica Lucke Dean permalink

    I'm glad you had fun!  I look forward to seeing you over on my blog too. 🙂

  14. Erica Lucke Dean permalink

    We snarky females need to stick together! LOL  I'm trying to get my women's fiction (chick lit) novels published too, so it's so nice to have the chance to visit with your readers and maybe make some new friends 🙂

  15. Sandra Bunino permalink

    “Hell, if you have time, draw a map.” Hysterical! You are both insanely awesome women and I LOVE following you. Okay, that would sound really weird outside of Twitterverse. Great post.

  16. Erica Lucke Dean permalink

    Thank you! I can only speak for myself, but I'm soooo incredibly thankful to Twitter for allowing me to be safely stalked by people who think I'm funny.  Take THAT family!

  17. I sooooo agree. 😀 I married an English teacher, so he knows to talk some… but really if I don’t get it in the first round of talking there is no round two. That’s it. He says never mind, forget it, walks away. It’s done.  And I SO HATE THAT! If we don’t get it tell us what we are not getting, don’t say, ‘you just don’t get it – so forget it.’ UGH!!! Rant done. 😛

  18. Erica Lucke Dean permalink

    It's time to give him the “vagina rules”.  I'm thinking about having a little “joke” pamphlet made up for those moments.  I'll just hand it to the hubby when he's being a guy.  LOL It could work!

  19. Juliarachelbarrett permalink

    Bwaaaaaa-haaaaa!  Oh, the vagina rules!  Snap!  Hubby and I suffer from role reversal.  Me no talk, him want long conversation. 

  20. That is a crazy good idea.

  21. Erica Lucke Dean permalink

    That's funny Julia!  My husband only wants to talk to me when my favorite TV show is on.  Or I'm trying to sleep.  Or I'm in the bathroom…you get the idea. LOL

  22. Pavarti K Tyler permalink

    Heh, Awesome!  I always tell my husband to try and remember nouns and verbs when telling me something and I'll be more likely to understand him.

  23. Captain No Marriage permalink

    “Think of the vagina as a sink”   I can't agree more!  Think about it, sinks are everywhere!  In almost every house, restaurant, office building, they're freaking everywhere and they all perform the same function.  One sink is just like the next.  If I happen upon one that's broken or something, I just move on to the next sink because…they're everywhere.
    It's not a big deal to have a sink in your house, just like it's not a big deal to have a vagina.  What one one won't do, there's several more lining up to take on the heavy lifting. 

  24. Erica Lucke Dean permalink

    You're right…sinks are everywhere, but don't underestimate the importance of a nice clean sink in good working order. And the same could be said for a vagina…never underestimate the importance of a nice clean vagina in good working order. Whether you want to marry it or not, you probably don't want to end up with a staph infection or something infinitely worse.  And let's face it, if you don't want things to start falling off, you should definitely consider upgrading to something a little more complicated than what you are apparently used to if you're accustomed to just jumping from one dirty sink to the next.  That's just gross.

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