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September 7, 2011
There’s a question chicks have wondered since the dawn of time. One I’ve put quite a bit of thought into. Something nineteen years of marriage, multiple relationships, and thousands of discussions with both sexes have still given me little insight into:
Why do men fall asleep right after sex?      
Oh sure, there’s that whole serotonin relaxation effect that occurs after orgasm(s). Science. Chemical reaction. Proven over and over. 

Blah blah blah.
We girls orgasm, too. Do we fall right to sleep? No!
It’s goes something like this:
  •        Whatcha Thinkin? One theory is that men go into Avoidance Mode. You know, you’ve had the ahem, coitus. (I just love that word.) She’s basking in the afterglow, ready for the cuddle, the snuggle, the play by play. She goes in for the head on the chest, and the inevitable– wait for it – “Whatcha thinkin’?” whereby at this point, you’re already snoring.

     Most men will do anything to avoid the dreaded “Whatcha thinkin’?” question, mainly for two reasons. One, because they’re incredibly tired now from all that effort and trying to come up with something smooth to say on the spot is really, really hard; and two, um, what was the question again?

Chicks get all gooey in the aftermath of that serotonin, whereas guys conk out. They go from hug to slug in thirty seconds flat.

They were thinkin about sex. Now their mind is a total blank. Come on, ladies. Do you really need to ask a question to know that?
  •         Been There, Done That: Another theory is that hey, they’ve already done all the hard work when they first met you. They’ve wooed you. All those late nights spent talking about important stuff (that they don’t really remember now anyway) when you were first dating – been there, done that. They’re invested in you already…now you need them to do that again? More? Why? Is this like some secret Honey Do list? 

They already just had sex with you. What more could you possibly want?
Plus really. If they wanted to talk to you, what did they just have sex with you for? They can talk with you when they eat or ya know, clean out the garage.
See with a guy, activities are very clearly delineated: there’s talking time and there’s sexing time. And the two shall never meet. Because talking has to do with feelings. Ergo, see point number one.
  •        The Code: Guys are born with this code that women know nothing about that allows them to separate sex from emotion. (Why the whole, “I’ll call you,” game has been happening since time immemorial.)

Sure, guys are from talk…BEFORE the action starts. Women are from talk AFTER the action happens. (As for dirty talk, Real Sex #2,354, 465 will be on HBO later tonight.) Fortunately, we’re usually able to meet somewhere in the middle and figure out how to make each other mind-blowingly, blow the skirt up happy.
But what about when we’re not? What if he needs to move a little to the right, or she needs to um, change tempo…then talking is essential. Diagrams aren’t really convenient at that moment. Most people don’t have a whiteboard and markers in their bedroom (and if they do, I don’t want to know about it).
Sorry, coach but that’s a whole other subject.
Scientists and doctors have very good physical and biochemical explanations for why men fall asleep after sex. Just as they can explain why chicks, don’t.
I’m no sex advisor, folks. But after almost twenty years of marriage, here’s what I’ve learned:
Don’t take it personally.
And buy a Kindle.

As always, comments, retweets and mentions loved. 

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  1. I don't…(fall asleep right “after”)…Don't fence me in….

  2. Johnny Augst permalink

    Be careful about stereotyping here.  As a man, I will honestly say the only reason I fall asleep after sex is because I'm relaxed and pleasantly exhausted.  There is no other agenda.  I do, however, snuggle with my lover, which makes me feel even more secure and at peace.  And, I will answer any question she might ask. 

  3. Eden Baylee permalink

    Hehe, funny post, Rachel! Personally, I'm not much for talking after the deed myself – combination of being satiated and exhausted. For that reason, sex in the morning is usually preferred, so we can both stay awake and get on with the day!


  4. IanFHood permalink

    Cute and funny. Like others have said, the dozing off is mostly because of peacefulness. Perhaps genetically in the old “caveman bonk woman on head with club and drag back to mancave for sex” days it worked out this way so the female could get away LOL

  5. I feel that I need to translate a few things on behalf of my fellow men.

    1) “Whatcha thinkin?” the truth to the matter is “Nothing.” No, seriously that is our default mode, like a car in neutral. This video explains it:

    2) “Been there, done that.” or “The separation of sex from emotion.” Well, it's not exactly a conscious action, it's man vs caveman brain. Our primitive instincts, combined with testosterone. This video explains it:

    3) The next time you want to talk to us after sex, don't ask how we feel or what we think. Ask us about how our favorite football team is doing, and if we think they made good decisions on the draft picks.

    P.S.-Just so you know according to a CNN Health report having sex everyday has extraordinary benefits to your physical and mental well being.  so after that daily physical workout I think we earned the right to sleep.

  6. Oh Rachel, this was WAY too funny. I love the way you outline the “battle of the sexes” and put it into perspective. Men are just such guys. I was always grateful when they rolled off of me before falling asleep. To me the talking didn't matter as long as I wasn't “squished!” 

    Keep up the good work girlfriend!


  7. Marjorie McAtee permalink

    I fall asleep…is there something wrong with me?

  8. Yaaay! I just bought a Kindle…who knew it would be so multi-functional?

  9. Mike Mike permalink

    Hey……..I don't always fall asleep! Sometimes I try to find the refrigerator and some food within that I actually put away myself! Loved this one!! Count me in as a regular contributor of Mancode translations.

  10. Darin, isn't this guy HILarious? I've RT'd him a few times and I quote him in my new book THE MANCODE: EXPOSED. So very, very funny. 

    The Nothing Box. I love it. Everyone should watch it. What's funny is that I've been calling the TV the Nothing Box for YEARS since that's my guy's go-to space out place. (Of course, I have to write about it :).

    Thx for the awesome response, honey.

  11. Thanks Johnny for your comment. I write about my experiences with real people, my research, and interviews. This is my take, luv. I have no agenda other than to communicate that with humor. Thank you for sharing. 

  12. I remember that sex in the morning thingy. That was pre-kids. Yea, I remember liking that a lot. *wink* 

  13. Perhaps you're right, Ian. Or maybecause caveman had been out hunting all day and sex was his reward for that big ole bison dinner. Who knows? There's tons of proof of the biochemical reaction of the whole thing. I just think it's funny. 🙂 

  14. Thx, girl. As always, you nail it and make me laugh. Often the best part of my posts are the comments. I'm particularly enjoying the guys who tell me they don't fall asleep after. Okey dokey. 🙂 

  15. Yes. #kidding. The serotonin relaxes us. So no, that's not abnormal. You can go to sleep now. 🙂 

  16. Bitchin, thx Mike. Yea, a good (male) friend told me there are generally three ideas men keep on the brain shelf: sex, food, and sports. If you've satisfied one, the others will pop up at any time. Which is why you can't remember the grocery list. #hehe 

    Thanks for visiting! xo

  17. Juliarachelbarrett permalink

    While I agree that in general, men do fall asleep after sex far more easily than women do, my husband is an exception.  An exception that proves the rule?  Not sure.  I've known other guys who are totally into the sensual, emotional aspects of a sexual relationship, yet they are alpha males.  Hmmmm.  Is it just my luck of the draw?

  18. After reading this I went in and asked my husband what he's thinking about after sex.  He thought for a second and then he said, “I'm thinking that I'm tired.”  There ya go.

  19. Super Earthling permalink

    Excellent observation, Rachel.


    “…allows them to separate sex from
    emotion.”  Ah yes, much like the separation of church and state…except
    with less brainpower involved. 😉

  20. Sbunino permalink

    I'm with Edan, sex in the am is totally underrated. Early, before kids are up, gives you a jump start in the day. I don't think the hubby falls asleep after, although I do leave before he does….

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