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February 17, 2011

Women speak a language all our own.

This is not news to men.

When we say “I’m fine,” the smart men among you have figured out that we are anything but, and you circle around us like vultures going in for the kill. Which you are really…if you have any hope of ever getting laid again. Finding out why we are not fine, usually simply by asking us (it’s not rocket science, dear), is the best way back into our good graces (yes, I mean beds).

Today I’m going to discuss our other language—our non-verbals. You know, the crossed arms, rolled eyes, and quiet glares that at times do quite nicely in place of “oh no he didn’t.”

Surely you know of what I speak.

You are a man, after all.

Let’s deconstruct, shall we?

• Crossed arms: usually when a person (male or female) crosses their arms during conversation, people interpret this as a sign that you have closed yourself off to what they are saying (which may or may NOT be the case. Some people simply prefer to listen with their arms crossed.)

Chicks however, when we are mad or irritated with you, will cross our arms as well as jut out one hip. This conveys that not only are you in the doghouse, but that you are to turn on the groveling channel—clearly you know what channel that is since you control the remote.

• Rolled Eyes: now I’m normally not an advocate of the eye roll. It’s kinda rude, a bit Valley Girl, and to be honest, so played. And we don’t, ya know, like, talk like that. (Okay, maybe just a little.)

However, a well-placed eye roll can be quite effective in showing one’s displeasure with one’s man, particularly when it has to do with him choosing football or golf over time spent with us. Or, ya know, when he’s wearing stupid pants.

• Quiet Glare: men, men, men. When will you catch on to The Quiet Glare? How many dinner parties/picnics/barbecues have I been to where I’ve given my man the “It’s time to leave, dear,” glare and he’s just not gotten it and kept on talking? Sigh. Eighteen years of marriage and he STILL hasn’t learned.

You can bet he got The Quiet Glare in the car on the way home.

To be fair to our poor, befuddled men, The Quiet Glare can be used for any number of reasons:

 Are you really going to wear that?

 You bought what for dinner?

 Where have you been?

 You didn’t put gas in the car like you promised…again.

Like that.

If you think we women are being bitchy or playing games (as some men on this blog have commented previously), I can’t say I disagree completely. But hey, that’s part of the dance. It’s the instinctive give and take, ebb and flow, clutch and release of male-female relationships.

Just as you like to see our racks–we just have to make you work a little for it (dare I say reach?).

Because that’s it right there–your non-verbal light at the end of the tunnel…that makes the dance all worth it.

You should follow @RachelintheOC on her Twitter, blog, Facebook, Goodreads, or download her new hilarious non-fiction eBook A Walk In The Snark on Amazon for only $2.99 (for your Kindle or via the free Kindle app for your smartphone or computer).
You can also find her most days on our @IndieBookIBC and @Bestseller4aday streams.

  1. Rachel,

    I just found your blog; downloaded your book on my kindle. I find your posts so true and quite amusing.

  2. Ha! Absolutely (about the eye roll) I've replaced mine with a pensive: “Interesting.” Freaks The Boy out, ya know? Because he has no idea what's going on in my head. His own second guessing kills him. So, um, my work with that is done! Love this post! You rock! <-Did I work in enough !'s for ya? Just asking... M.

  3. raevanswrites permalink

    When I read your stuff I'm not sure if, as a man, I should be offended or proud! Always enjoyable, Rachel.

  4. “However,
    a well-placed eye roll can be quite effective in showing one’s
    displeasure with one’s man, particularly when it has to do with him
    choosing football or golf over time spent with us”As you know men dont usually pick up on the little hints women think are like giant neon billboard signs lol so, You need to clarify what “spending time” means to you. As a man my first thought would probaly be ” I live with you I spend alot of time with you I sleep in the same bed as you how much more time do you want woman” of course saying that would probably close off the boobie amusement park attraction for quite a few weeks 😛

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