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Your Questions: Answered (Kinda)

May 25, 2010


Many of you have asked, in some way or another, what makes me different than a (god help me) “typical” REAL OC housewife (I hate that fucking show). Because, you know, we ALL own five million dollar homes, drive luxury cars, wear five-inch heels to preschool drop off, and have blonde hair and fake boobs. Right?

Ah, no.

So, here’s me in a nutshell:

  • I don’t drive a luxury car. Or an SUV. I do drive a Mazda CX-7 which seats five–it is considered a small “crossover.” I like it because it has a great stereo system and a turbo—I like to go fast with my music cranked up loud (windows closed). Tee hee. It is dark grey, which is pretty.
  • I’m 5’4” if I stand up really, really straight.
  • I weigh about 130-135 pounds. I’m a size 10. I have real boobs and they’re not small. I have curves. I love my curves and so does my guy. I walk a lot—we live close to the beach—but I don’t pound the pavement trying to look like a stick. When I can, I do Pilates or yoga. That is, when I’m not running around after my…
  • Two children, boy age almost five and girl, almost eleven. Which is why I drink
  • Vodka and wine. Belvedere, in case you want to send me some; and Sanford Chardonnay. I love most good reds, also, just not from a box. I don’t drink a lot though, because I get migraines. One drink, maybe two on the weekend is my limit.
  • I got married to JP when I was 28. We’ve been married 18 years this October. This is my first marriage, his second. He has no children from his first. Interesting fact: I have two sisters (one older, one younger) and we all got married at the age of 28. I know, trippy, right?
  • I rarely get my nails done—no time. I just keep them short and trim. Contrary to the OC Rulebook, I just don’t have time for pretty toenails. But I have really nice toes and feet so they look good anyway.
  • I’m good with makeup. Come over, I’ll do yours.
  • I don’t actually own a single Juicy Couture jogging suit—not one. Goes against all principles of living here, I know–they may kick me out for this one. I just prefer yoga pants and a tee when I write. Plus, I feel the look is kind of cliche and has been played. If you wear them and love them, more power to ya.
  • I refuse to buy my daughter anything designer. Many parents here promise their kids designer stuff for grades which I find completely abhorrent. She gets hugs and kisses for good grades; and we’ve been saving for a trip to London for just her and her daddy (the little guy is just too young so he and I will stay home this trip). THAT is what her good grades will get her. Not some designer bullshit bag she can throw on the ground.
  • Dude, you know, and like. I do begrudgingly admit to saying “dude” with my son. As in “Dude, why are you pouring your pasta on your head?” Like that. My father made us girls very aware growing up that saying those words were silly and made us sound stupid so, like, we tried to use them as infrequently as possible, you know?
  • I do not have duck lips. I have a nice, full lower lip. I wouldn’t mind if my top lip were fuller, but it’s a nice shape. I will admit to ONCE having lip stuff injected into my top lip just to see what it was like. OMFG it was more painful than childbirth—never again. I almost passed out halfway through and made them stop. If I’m going to feel that much pain, there better be something tangible at the end, like a baby or say, a writing contract with a major house. Plus JP hated how hard it felt. Don’t guys hate that?
  • Religion and Politics—I’ve made it very clear that I’m a liberal Jew–in Orange County, CA, The Land of Conservative Christians, which makes me the moral minority if ever there was one. I personally don’t feel I have to censor myself (duh) but I have several liberal friends that do feel, based on their jobs, that they can’t speak their minds and I feel that’s sad.  We all have to make that choice. This area is, however, very, very fond of little baby Jesus.
  • I was born Jewish. I’m a Jew by birth and by guilt. I never go to temple. I speak no Hebrew and I didn’t have a bat mitzvah. I love bacon. Don’t ask me Jewish stuff—I know a few Yiddish words but other than that, I really don’t know anything. I do know I’m half Russian and half German. The only Jewish food I like is my mom’s matzo ball soup, brisket, and potato pancakes. The end.
  • I’ve known I wanted to write since I was five. I majored in Communication Studies at CSUS (Sac State) with a minor in Journalism. I wanted to move to New York to write. Then I realized I could take my degree and do anything. I watched my older sister go to work for a pharma company and make lots of money so I did the same. Did that from 1987-2004 for two different companies. Did great. Hated it. Did move back east though. That was kinda cool. 
  • I’ve worn sunblock on my face since my twenties, when I sold Sea & Ski, and saw first hand the damage sun can cause to a person’s face. I am 46 and have no wrinkles. You can hate me now.
  • I used to sell Trojan brand condoms. In Carson City, NV. Think about it.
  • For God’s sake, my eyes are naturally this green. I do not RAT2wear colored contacts—jeez. My grandmother’s sister, Leigh, was the only green-eyed one out of five girls. Somehow I ended up with that recessive gene—all of my family members have brownish eyes.
  • I don’t wear false eyelashes either. Never have. All me, baby.
  • I despise cooking. Always have. The entire process—from buying stuff to chopping to cooking to cutting—bores me to no end. Put on a cooking show and either I’m outta there or I’ll take a nap. Luckily, one of my ‘husband requirements’ was to marry a man who can cook and JP is an excellent chef.
  • I dated a professional bullrider. Yes, he was bowlegged.
  • I play classical piano, though I can pick up almost any tune and play it by ear. I’m a sideshow that way.
  • I really hate high heels, but I’m having a love affair with my black suede Prada Mary Janes. I mean, who wouldn’t?
  • I hate shopping malls, Disneyland, really anything with crowds.
  • My first job was painting signs.
  • I hate shredded coconut, though I love coconut Lifesavers.
  • I love gumballs.
  • My favorite food is spicy. Give me anything spicy, I’m happy.
  • And, I can pretty much find any information you need on the Internet. People are freaked out by my ability to do this. (Just found a book for a Twitter friend that she’s been trying to find for over twenty years—took me about five minutes.)

I am the least OC person you will probably ever meet—perhaps because I wasn’t raised here (Sacramento). I have no expensive jewelry. I don’t go to events to “see and be seen.” With the exception of a small Louis Vuitton obsession, and a few pairs of exquisite Prada shoes I got on sale (okay and some Blahniks), I don’t do the designer thing. (Worth it to invest in quality bags and shoes and don’t let anyone tell you differently. My daughter will wear those one day.)

Disneyland is a whole other blog. Let’s just say that we live twenty minutes away and I’ve been over 300 times or more in the past ten years (“multi-pass” for all you Fifth Element fans) and I’d be happy if the whole place just sunk into a giant sinkhole at this point.

I think that should be enough to bore you for awhile. If you want to know anything further, just ask. I may or may not answer on the grounds that I just don’t feel like it.


Feel free to comment, follow me, or share this post by clicking the SHARE button on the very top left of this blog. As always, I appreciate you stopping by, though I’m not going to do a happy dance for you since that would require effort.

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  1. Ooh, I loved the little insight into your life. And clearly I'm not as up on popular culture as I should be, because I don't know what show you're talking about! Is it that reality one w/kids on MTV?

    Okay, now I feel like a dork.

  2. Oh, sorry Megan. I'm referring to the show I'm always making fun of on my blog & on Twitter from Bravo, the Real Housewives of Orange County. There's also NJ, NYC, & Atlanta.

    OC bugs me because they are all plastic surgery fake, blonde, vapid & stupid. They in NO WAY represent me as a “housewife” in this area, so it really chaps my hide that people think all of the OC are like these silly women.

  3. You had me at the “multi-pass” comment about Disneyland. That is my husband's favorite movie. We were going to name our son, Korbyn Dallas but a frenemy stole the damn name from me,

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