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Interview with a Real Housewife of Orange County

January 23, 2010

Oh, to be a housewife in Orange County. You people just have NO idea.

This is my schedule: I have the live-in nanny, Maria (I call them all Maria because I hire and fire them so often. It really doesn’t matter what their names are, does it?) up at the crack of dawn each morning to be sure that the children’s uniforms are pressed and ready when they wake up. I require that my two children (Kileigh, 11, and Bradlee, 15) eat a hot breakfast made from scratch every single day–which is why I have Maria make the kids healthy, fresh food–because I am, of course, still sleeping. (My husband John is usually up at five am to do whatever it is he does. Finance I think? He knows to be quiet.) I do allow the children to enter my room for a quiet peck on my cheek in the morning before they leave for school, as long as they don’t speak and no lights are turned on or shades opened. My eyes are naturally this very light blue in color (not contacts as some people have claimed) and therefore sensitive to any bright light. That is why you will always see me on television with dark glasses, even inside.
My family has strict orders not to enter my master bedroom for any reason whatsoever, even in an emergency–I determine what an emergency is in my home, not my kids, please. I have a giant, beautiful bed, and I require a minimum of eight hours of sleep or I am impossible to be around. I have Maria take the children to school in the Volvo–it is the safest car out there; of course, I wouldn’t be caught dead in it. I drive the Porsche.
Typically, I wake up around nine o’clock and hit my indoor gym with my personal trainer around ten, after I eat a few bites of melon and have some coffee. I have to watch my figure, you know. My trainer is really super hot and that gets me inspired to look as great as I can. My husband doesn’t mind if I flirt with Joey; I think it kind of turns him on a little bit. Sometimes my husband John (you’ve seen him on the show, no doubt) will just watch me work out. Then we go have sex. Of course, cameras aren’t allowed in for that–darn! Haha. If you had a husband as hot as my John, you’d want to look as hot as I do, too.
That’s why I see my plastic surgeon, Dr. Plastique, every month. He’s done my boobs two times now, and my tummy tucks and a few lipos. Plus they say you can only get Botox every three months or so, but I don’t believe it. He injects me every month, all over my body and you can’t even tell. The fact that my face doesn’t move at all now doesn’t bother me; that’s what my goal is actually. You can’t really tell on these new HD cameras anyway so it’s fine. I’m happiest with my lips, really. They are super duper puffy and that’s what is so important when living here in the OC–everybody does it. So if this is the first Monday of the month, I have Dr. P come on over for what I call my monthly service appointment–isn’t that funny?
Tuesdays, Thursdays and Saturdays I go and get my hair blown out and once a week I add in a conditioning and shine treatment. Hair is so important when you live here. Oh, and of course I do that straightening stuff from Brazil or wherever that’s supposed to have some bad chemicals or something in it. I don’t know, it doesn’t bother me. All I know is I have no frizz. Anyway, the most important thing in the OC is to be blonde, blonde, blonde! I’m naturally blonde, of course, so it’s not that difficult, but still, when I see pictures of myself everywhere I go, on covers of magazines, on the internet, etc., it’s just a reminder of what my fans expect. So of course, I have to keep that up as well. There’s just so much!
Weekends. I love weekends! John and I go out a lot. We’ve been married over fourteen–oops, I mean, sixteen years–and we have many, many social engagements with so many different friends, charitable organizations and of course, with the girls from the show. Here, look on the table–this is my latest scrapbook of events that I had Maria put together. But to be honest we mostly entertain here in our home because, let’s face it, it IS gorgeous. I will tell you, it’s not easy to make it behind The Gate so we’ve made the most of it, believe me. Our home has been featured in all kinds of decorating magazines and that just makes me so proud. Yes, I did have help with the decorating, but so what? All the ideas were mine, you know? And, the money, too haha! I still have so much shopping to do for our three spare rooms, though. Ugh, it’s just never done.
And then Sundays we always go to church as a family. Always. Well, usually; at least John and I for sure. It is a good networking opportunity, you know, being in the public eye as we are. And you wouldn’t believe those paparazzi–they have the nerve to show up even there. Granted, I always make sure I look my best for church.
The other girls: why yes, I get along with all the other girls on the show, of course. I do feel a bit well, different from them, however, because my house is a lot bigger than theirs, my husband is hotter, we have better cars, my clothes are all high-end designer, etc. See, this outfit is Chanel. It’s like a full-time job, just being me sometimes. I can’t imagine having to work outside the home, you know? This is work! Besides, I feel a woman’s place is by her man, and I am here waiting when my John gets home from work with his drink ready in hand, just like my mama was for my daddy. No one raises my kids but me; well, with a little bit of help of course, but it’s all in my home, not some daycare. I can’t remember who that ugly woman was that said it takes a city or something? To raise our kids? But dammit I believe that. Anyway, where was I?
Oh, yea. The other gals. Hmm…well, there’s one girl, let’s call her G, that I don’t really like but I’m not sure I want to comment on that. Well, okay–just between you and me. She has this um, web page? And on that she has a thingy, a um, blog? Now, I don’t really know how all that works but I guess she wrote some really nasty things about me and my husband which I don’t agree with. So, I asked her very nicely over drinks one day at the racetrack, where, by the way, we had private seating–it was lovely–to you know, just remove that part of the blog. What do you call that, a post? And that little bitch got testy with me! I couldn’t believe it! Listen, here I was being all nicey nice to her and going out of my way to make her part of the group because she’s kinda new, when honestly, she’s really just a little ho in my opinion–gasp! Did I just say that? Well, she is. I feel I have the right to ask her to remove what I feel are objectionable and blatantly false and mean things about me no matter if it’s her blog or whatever…it’s just shocking and unfair. I can’t have that kind of stuff circulating about me out there in the…the…computer-sphere! It’s just not right. It’s just really, really very upsetting. Although I’m not quite sure what she meant by gauche–I’ve never heard of that designer, have you?
I’m sorry, I don’t mean to unload all this on you. I must seem like the biggest bitch and really, ask any of my friends, I’m really the nicest person and will give you the shirt off my husband’s back. It’s just that, well, my fifteen-year old son has been kind of grumpy and has been going out a lot lately and not coming home at night. We are very worried. Teenage stuff, you know. We’ve never grounded him and we don’t believe in curfews–we feel that he should learn to set his own limits in a more organic way. So we’ve called in a youthologist to help us work all this out. She comes here and talks with us, then she talks with him, then we all talk together. Last night Bradlee went out and when he wasn’t home by midnight, I called him to see where he was and he was really super nice about it! That’s progress don’t you think?
Well, I need to get going. I’m meeting John for a little afternoon delight, if you know what I mean (wink wink)! So important to keep things hot, hot hot when you’ve been married as long as we have. Then I’m off for a girls weekend in The Springs. I just think that it’s just so, um, important also that, as a mother, we give ourselves time off from this craziness we call “motherhood,” you know? Spend a little girl time on ourselves, for once. I think that I need to be a positive role model for the ladies that watch our show and that’s a message I want to put our there: you know, spend time and money–haha–on yourself, gals! You work too hard!
So, I’m off. Hey, do you know if this restaurant can validate my parking? Great, thanks.
Buh-bye!! Kisses!!
  1. LOL. totally hilarious. i think you covered all of them. btw, your children are soooooo cute!!!!

  2. I nannied in Coto/Dove Canyon for a while as you know. My boss was an exception to this, but ALLL the mothers of my charges' friends from school?

    Bitches. The lot of 'em.

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